Divorce Content Specialist
Last Updated: November 28, 2023
Published: November 28, 2023
Relationships and Divorce, Marriage
- 80/20 Pareto Principle
- Love and the 80/20 rule
- How the 80/20 rule is helpful
No matter how well-suited you are to another person, they can’t possibly fulfill every need you have in life. You’re individuals, you’re fallible, and not even healthy relationships are perfect.
So, what happens if you go into a relationship not expecting happiness 24/7? Enter the 80/20 rule.
The Pareto Principle
The 80/20 rule is not some new social media couples trend. In fact, the principle has been around for well over a century. As an initial concept, it had nothing to do with romance at all. In fact, the 80/20 rule, or Pareto Principle, is used when speaking about good relationships in many different contexts, from business to criminal activity.
In 1906, Italian economist Vilfredo Federico Pareto noticed that 20% of the pea pods in his garden produced 80% of his harvested peas. He went on to apply his pea principle to the economics of his home country.
What do peas, wealthy Italians, and love have in common? According to some present-day theorists, relationships share the same uneven distribution of cause and effect. So how can you use the 80/20 rule to enhance the success of your relationship?
Love and the 80/20 rule
While the rule is broadly interpreted as getting 80% of your results from 20% of your effort, in relationships, the 80/20 rule can be applied in several ways.
For instance, you can expect to get 80% of your needs met by your partner in your relationship, but the other 20% is up to you.
In another context, you can expect satisfaction from your relationship 80% of the time, while the other 20%, not so much.
In another vein, 20% of your issues will cause 80% of your problems.
How the 80/20 rule is helpful
Humans tend to put a lot of pressure on their relationships and partners for their personal happiness and well-being. But is this fair? According to the 80/20 rule of relationships, it’s not even sustainable.
So, how can you use the 80/20 principle to benefit your relationship satisfaction? As it turns out, it’s effective in several ways.
You view relationships realistically
It may be time to lower your expectations about the overall happiness of your romantic relationship. Using the 80/20 rule, you can stop expecting your relationship to be happy 24/7. Eighty percent of the time, it will be happy and fulfilling. You will get along fine, and things will go according to plan. The other 20% of the time, you can count on some squabbles and adversity.
Your relationship will hit speed bumps. It’s inevitable. But if you can wait it out, employing some heartfelt communication and patience in the meantime, you’ll be ready for when those happy times circle around again.
You take responsibility for your own needs
While the ability to rely on your partner to be there for you as your staunchest supporter and cheerleader is essential, you can only presume that they will anticipate and fulfill all your needs about 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time, it’s on you.
You and your spouse are not one two-headed person. You are each individuals with different needs, and neither of you can be everything to each other all the time.
Partners develop more compassion for one another
We all make mistakes, and the 80/20 rule cautions us to fully expect them. When you can accept your relationship as the imperfect thing it is, it helps you and your partner appreciate and have more love and compassion for each other when mistakes happen. You learn to take extra care of each other during the slumps because you know they’re just part of a bigger and better whole.
Even the best long-term relationships can be messy and imperfect at times. But what happens if your love life is more like 20/80, and you’re questioning whether it’s worth the effort to save it? In a situation like this, it can be helpful to get some couples therapy or other professional guidance before you give up. You’ve invested time and effort into each other, and it may not be too late.
Read: Tips for Boosting Your Mental Health
At Hello Divorce, we pride ourselves on offering services, a la carte divorce plans, and resources to couples who are ready to address relationship problems or call it quits in a healthy, amicable, and affordable way. Set up your free 15-minute call to see how we may be able to help.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Divorce Content Specialist
Mediation, Divorce Strategy, Divorce Process, Mental Health
Candice is a former paralegal and has spent the last 16 years in the digital landscape, writing website content, blog posts, and articles for the legal industry. Now, at Hello Divorce, she is helping demystify the complex legal and emotional world of divorce. Away from the keyboard, she’s a devoted wife, mom, and grandmother to two awesome granddaughters who are already forces to be reckoned with. Based in Florida, she’s an avid traveler, painter, ceramic artist, and self-avowed bookish nerd.
FAQs
The 80/20 relationship theory states that you can only get about 80% of your wants and needs from a healthy relationship, while the remaining 20% you need to provide for yourself. Sounds like the perfect excuse to treat yourself to a spa day.
What is the 80/20 rule when dating? ›
Using the 80/20 rule, you can stop expecting your relationship to be happy 24/7. Eighty percent of the time, it will be happy and fulfilling. You will get along fine, and things will go according to plan. The other 20% of the time, you can count on some squabbles and adversity.
What is the 80/20 rule in cheating? ›
80% of your needs are being met by your partner, and you're figuring out the other 20% on your own. When the 80/20 rule is applied to infidelity, the theory is that when someone cheats, they're attracted to the 20% in someone else that they were missing from their partner.
What is the 80 20 rule in why did I get married? ›
This rule states that most men get 80% of what they need from a marriage yet they tend to go after the 20% that someone outside can provide for them because it appears to be more to them when it really isn't.
What is the 80 20 ratio for love? ›
You should spend 80% of your time devoted to your relationship, and still have 20% freedom to follow your dreams and do what you want. That actually makes a whole lot of sense. Some couples can become so used to spending all their time together, they forget how to be apart.
What are the flaws of the 80 20 rule? ›
Disadvantages of using the 80/20 rule
The 20 and 80% numbers don't refer to the amount of effort you're putting in, but the causes and consequences you're working on. The goal is not to minimize the amount of effort, but to focus your effort on a specific portion of work to create a bigger impact.
What is the 80/20 trap? ›
The 80–20 Trap: How Drug and Alcohol Industries Prey on Their Heaviest Users. It is a well-known rule of thumb in business: 80% of your sales come from 20% of your clients.
What is the 70 30 rule in a relationship? ›
According to relationship experts, one option is to divide your time with and without your partner 70/30. This means that, ideally, you should spend 70% of your time together and 30% of your time apart. During the time apart, you do you. You can continue your hobbies and enjoy your interests with other people.
What is the biggest predictor of cheating? ›
A new study used a machine-learning algorithm to determine what does (and doesn't) predict infidelity. Demographic and personality factors were inconsistent predictors; relationship factors were much stronger. Low sexual and relationship satisfaction, high sexual desire, and lack of love are the most robust predictors.
What is the golden rule of marriage? ›
Follow the four golden rules – don't lie, keep your promises, argue productively and always play nice – and your relationship will never go anywhere but forward.
It goes like this: Both partners need to treat the whole relationship like it's a 60/40 relationship. You do 60 percent of the work, and let the other person do 40 percent. “Because if you treat it 60/40, both of you, you are always trying to take that next step.
What is the 85 15 rule in relationships? ›
When you break this idea down mathematically, it goes something like this: You're going to like about 85% of the other person's personality, perspectives, characteristics, tendencies and behaviours. There will be about 15% of that person's ways of being that, if given your druthers, you would leave behind.
What is the 80-20 rule in dating? ›
What is the 80/20 dating rule? The 80/20 rule states that if a relationship is great 80% of the time, the rest can be less than ideal. After all, it is impossible and unrealistic to find a person or a relationship that is perfect all the time.
What is the 80-20 mindset? ›
The 80-20 rule, also known as the Pareto Principle, is a familiar saying that asserts that 80% of outcomes (or outputs) result from 20% of all causes (or inputs) for any given event. In business, a goal of the 80-20 rule is to identify inputs that are potentially the most productive and make them the priority.
What is the 80-20 rule for dummies? ›
This rule suggests that 80% of effects come from 20% of causes. For example, 80% of a company's revenue may come from 20% of its customers, or 80% of a person's productivity may come from 20% of their work. This principle can be applied to many areas, including productivity for small business owners.
What is the 80 20 rule in the dating market? ›
The top 20% of attractive men are now getting the top 80% of attractive women, leaving nothing but the dregs for everyone else. To stand any chance of landing a girlfriend, you'll need to be way better than the average guy.
What is the 80 20 rule attractiveness? ›
Unless you live in the bubble called marital bliss, you probably have had the Pareto Principle trotted out to prove why single men can't get a date. It goes like this — 80% of women on dating apps choose only the top 20% of attractive men.
What is the 80 20 rule for people? ›
The 80/20 Principle: 20% of Employees Shoulder 80% of the Work. The Pareto Principle suggests that a small minority of employees is responsible for the majority of an organization's productivity. These 20% are the floor leaders – the ones who know what to do and simply take care of things.
What is the 90 10 rule in dating? ›
The 90/10 principle says that 90% of the reason you react a certain way to your partner, is something that you brought to the relationship. It's your “stuff,” the baggage from childhood and previous relationships.
