Are You Chasing 20? (2024)

Are You Chasing 20? (1)by Tikeetha TM

I once had a man tell me that he loves me more than he ever thought imaginable. He said that because of the love he has for me he would never be with me. Why? Because if he cheated on me he knows that I would leave him. That pain would be so unbearable that he finds it better to just stay friends with me than risk losing me for good.

So, I thought what you are probably thinking now…Ain’t this a bunch of BS? Really dude? So, you’re saying that you can’t be faithful? He responded, “I don’t think people are designed to be monogamous.” I laughed in his face and said, “Okay, well thanks for telling me.”

But, even after time has passed his comments still give me pause. I think about the absurdity of the conversation however, I think that maybe what he really believes is that he will be chasing 20 for the rest of his life. The 20 is the 20 percent that I’m referring to in the 80/20 rule of relationships. The theory is an economist’s views that has been translated into relationships.

The 80/20 rule for relationships says in most relationshipsyou only get 80 percent of what you want and need from your partner. It’s the search for the missing 20 percent that causes people to cheat. Hence, the chasing for 20.

Are You Chasing 20? (2)

I first heard about this rule when I watched Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married?” years ago. I (like many women in the theater) screamed “Yes, when Jill Scott’s character told her husband that he realized his 20 percent wasn’t worth what he gave up when he cheated on her. She was his 80 percent.” But, it’s not just men that are chasing 20. It’s women too.

Why? What is it about us that makes us chase 20 instead of realizing that what we have is good? I’m not talking about unhealthy relationships, but those relationships that are healthy. Why do we chase 20 instead of realizing that we have 80?

Because we’re selfish and not satisfied human beings. Many of us haven’t realized that what we have is good. We want perfection. As many people have said, there is no such thing as perfection. But, we still chase 20. Maybe because we think that the 20% that we are missing is the key to our happiness, but it’s not.

Trust me. If you are unhappy and in an unhealthy relationship, just leave. Leave the person alone. Allow them an opportunity to find happiness with someone who likes their 80%. Be selfless.

Now, I’m not saying that relationships where you get 80% of what you want will be issue or drama free. Nope. After all, we’re human. We’re prone to disagree on things. The key is that if you are in a healthy relationship where you recognize that you have 80% that you want to work it out. Trust me when I tell you that dating is HARD!

I told my male friend that last year. I said, “Dating sucks. There is nothing out here. I can’t find anyone (I’m a little more optimistic now). Stay with your wife forever. Don’t mess it up. Fix it. Ya’ll can work out anything. There is no greener grass out here.” He laughed. He told his wife what I said. They are still together though so maybe my advice worked.

I want to leave you with this piece of advice. Relationships are hard. They require work. They must be healthy. It is healthy to argue. Not disrespect each other. Just argue. Get to the root issue of your relationship problems. Do a needs assessment. Ask yourself the hard questions and find out if you have80% in your relationship or are you in search of the 20%?

If the issue is you. You have to do some work. Find out your issues and get help for them so that your frustrations don’t turn your 80% into a 0% and you lose your mate. Work it out loves!

Are You Chasing 20? (3)

25 comments

  1. Thank you for encouraging people to work on their relationship, way too often you hear that if you are not happy you should just call it quits. My advice to women is that in order to bring up any issues please look at yourself first, take couple days to see how you react to your husband, are you kind, respectful, loving? Once you know that your concerns are coming from a place of love it will be easier to talk to your husband and find solutions.

    LikeLiked by 2 people

    1. Aww! Thank you for your comment. The key is that if you are in a healthy relationship then work on it, please. Most of your frustrations stem from within and you should examine why you think something is wrong with your relationship. Self-examination is a big part of it. We are just so quick to leave a situation where we are getting our 80%.

      LikeLiked by 1 person

  2. Love it! They are hard and I was chasing the 20% at a point in my life. I will get to tell all about how chasing that 20% can cause you to lose that 80% and how difficult it is to get back to the 80%.

    LikeLiked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Write that post so I can share it on my blog too.

      LikeLiked by 1 person

      1. I will. Owning my truths is why I am blogging/writing. It helps me to heal.

        LikeLiked by 2 people

  3. I think in chasing the 20% you are ignoring your 100% self. If those guys are getting 80% of what they need from someone they better be able to fill in that 20% with their own self worth. If you expect someone to “complete you” you are going to have a long lonely wait.

    LikeLiked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely. We need to work on our own issues before getting into relationships and damaging other folks.

      LikeLiked by 2 people

  4. I mean those guys are going to have a long lonely wait! oops.

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  5. That’s pretty good advice there! I’ve been married 30 years now and luckily neither my husband or I have gone chasing after that 20% – we realized early on that we’re worth the fight – good luck to you and your ‘future’ mate – I’m sure you’ll be successful! 🙂

    LikeLiked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and you’re truly blessed that you both realized that. Many of us don’t.

      LikeLiked by 1 person

  6. Great post! So glad we’ve crossed paths! Personally, I just feel like if people put in 100% into themselves then everything else would just be a bonus….why chase 20 or require 80% from another person to feel whole when you could be 100% awesome? It’s bound to attract 100% awesome…that’s like…200% lol I remember my dating years with this post….POF anyone? lmao *sigh* not my finest hour as I am too much of an all or nothing person to “date” Thanks so much for sharing this! 🙂

    LikeLiked by 1 person

    1. LOL. Thank you for commenting. I think we do bring our full 100% self but our frustrations make us feel like that the 80% of our wants and needs that we’re receiving is not enough. So, we feel incomplete and search for the missing 20% instead of loving and accepting the 80 we got. I’ve done POF too with no success. Sigh, I’m an eternal optimist though. Thanks again.

      LikeLiked by 2 people

      1. Good point! 🙂 As for POF….it’s “Plenty of Trouble” lol at least that’s how it was when I was on there…I remember one guy I met on there…I invited him over ( wasn’t expecting the moon or marriage lol) and he showed up in a cab….with my favorite beer…which he had already started drinking…did I mention he was already drunk when he showed up…god bless him…at least he took a cab and was thoughtful enough to buy my favorite beer lol I wish I was making this up

        LikeLiked by 1 person

      2. Dang for real? Nothing that bad has happened yet. I spend months in the vetting process. The FBI could hire me. LOL.

        LikeLiked by 1 person

      3. lmao nice! Hmmm maybe an FBI agent is in your romantic future! 😉

        LikeLiked by 1 person

  7. Words of wisdom! A thought-provoking subject. Well done! 🙂

    LikeLiked by 1 person

  8. Early on my relationship with my husband, my 20% kept pursuing me (even though he knew I was in a serious relationship). I told him flat out I’m not messing up this up for you. I’m happy I didn’t because I’m enjoying my 80%.

    LikeLiked by 1 person

    1. I love it! Maybe you should write a post about it.

      LikeLike

  9. I’m at a point in life (divorced and raising my son alone over the last 11 years) where I keep running into married fools searching for their 20 with me and offering even less. Usually they are trying to pass as available, but I have my ways of finding out. Sad days out there. Yet, I still have hope. Am I crazy? lol

    LikeLiked by 1 person

    1. Nope. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve met some of those men too. I want you, but not right now. Okay, then move on Martha move on. Let me be. I’m willing to wait for what God wants me to have. I didn’t listen the last time and that didn’t work so next time I’m going to be patient.

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      1. My pleasure!

        LikeLiked by 1 person

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Are You Chasing 20? (2024)

FAQs

What is the 80 20 rule for cheating? ›

80% of your needs are being met by your partner, and you're figuring out the other 20% on your own. When the 80/20 rule is applied to infidelity, the theory is that when someone cheats, they're attracted to the 20% in someone else that they were missing from their partner.

What does chasing mean in dating? ›

Reminder, “chasing” means pursuing someone or putting in effort or work to get their attention. So, one easy way to tell if you are chasing is to simply look at your conversations and see if you are regularly putting in more work than him there.

Do men like to chase a woman? ›

As an offline dating coach, a question often asked by female clients is, “What makes a man chase a woman?” Men tend to love a chase – it's in their DNA. They put the “hunter” in “hunter-gatherer,” with a biological wiring to seek out prey and provide food for their families.

How long should a man pursue a woman? ›

As long as the man and woman are attracted to each other and she hasn't outrightly said no, he should keep trying. No matter how long it takes. It's not rocket science. If you can see that she's interested in you, keep trying until she says yes.

What is the 20 rule of love? ›

Love and the 80/20 rule

For instance, you can expect to get 80% of your needs met by your partner in your relationship, but the other 20% is up to you. In another context, you can expect satisfaction from your relationship 80% of the time, while the other 20%, not so much.

What is the 70 30 rule in a relationship? ›

According to relationship experts, one option is to divide your time with and without your partner 70/30. This means that, ideally, you should spend 70% of your time together and 30% of your time apart. During the time apart, you do you. You can continue your hobbies and enjoy your interests with other people.

Am I chasing or attracting? ›

There's a fundamental difference between attracting and chasing. When we act from a place of inner stillness, we naturally attract more and chase less. Chasing is what we do when we struggle. When we call ten times someone who does not answer our calls back.

What does chasing look like in dating? ›

Chasing here can equate to calling, texting, emailing and/or obsessing about someone from whom you have either had a bit of attention or in some situations a full-on relationship but one that is not fully reciprocated.

What does chasing girlfriend mean? ›

The definition based on my culture is when a man is interested in a woman and is trying to either date her or become intimate with her. When a man chases a women it can happen in many different ways, he might try to impress her, give her compliments, flirt, ask out on date, etc.,.

Can a guy like you but not pursue you? ›

Even if a guy really likes you, he just might not have the time to dedicate to dating. He might fear that if he starts something with you he won't be able to give you more than a little bit of time. And he's probably tired a lot. If he tells you he's busy, yes it can be an excuse, but it may also be the truth.

Do girls prefer to chase or be chased? ›

In other words, Ladies love to be chased! They love that feeling of having so many inbox messages from guys that likes them. It makes them feel desirable and more attractive. Having all these guys on the sideline also makes them feel more secure.

How to let a man pursue you? ›

9 Ways To Get A Guy To Chase You
  1. Stop chasing him: In order to get him to chase you in a relationship, you must first stop pursuing him. ...
  2. Make him recognize your worth: ...
  3. Be unavailable: ...
  4. Think outside the box: ...
  5. Spend less time: ...
  6. Make him jealous: ...
  7. Increase the mystery: ...
  8. Strive to be a strong woman:
Dec 1, 2021

What a man wants most from a woman? ›

A man wants a woman who treats him with respect and decency.

He wants to know that she admires or even looks up to him. Asking him for his opinion or advice on something—and then really listening to and taking in what he has to say—is a great way to show him that you respect him.

How long do most men take to fall in love? ›

The average time for men to fall in love is 88 days, while those same feelings of true love take women 134 days. Another dating site, Elite Singles, did a poll in 2017 and found that 61 per cent of women believe in love at first sight, while 72 per cent of men do. These surveys focused on heterosexual relationships.

How long does it usually take a man to miss a woman? ›

On average, it takes about 8 weeks for him to miss you.

For most men, it takes about this long for them to process the loss and discover that they miss you.

What is the 80 20 cheat? ›

As an easier way to plan out cheat meals, nutritionists often recommend the 80/20 Rule. When following this rule, 80 percent of the meals you eat should be healthy and adhere to your eating plan, while the other 20 percent give you the flexibility to satisfy your cravings.

What is the 80 20 rule real examples? ›

80% of crimes are committed by 20% of criminals. 80% of sales are from 20% of clients. 80% of project value is achieved with the first 20% of effort. 80% of your knowledge is used 20% of the time.

What is the best explanation of the 80 20 rule? ›

The Pareto principle states that for many outcomes, roughly 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes. In other words, a small percentage of causes have an outsized effect. This concept is important to understand because it can help you identify which initiatives to prioritize so you can make the most impact.

What is the 80 20 dating theory? ›

For dating, try to find somebody that you find perfect 80% of the time and imperfect the other 20% of the time; it is unrealistic to think that somebody will be perfect 100% of the time. This Pareto analysis can also help you with your social life.

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